Open letter to my ex

Sometimes the most painful things are the hardest to talk about even though on the inside you're just crying out for someone to listen. Sometimes the most painful things are so painful that you can't put into words how you feel. Sometimes the most painful things are so painful that you don't even know how to feel or if you even should. Sometimes the most painful things are inflicted on us by the one who was supposed to love us the most, the person who ultimately destroyed us in the end.           

In the beginning I tried not feeling, just brushing it off. I tried to be strong and let it go. I tried to tell everyone I'm fine so they didnt ask me anything that would require me to talk openly about my pain. I tried to pretend like the pain I felt everyday wasn't eating me alive and spitting me back out.    

I truly thought life without you wouldn't be doable. I truly thought I wouldn't be able to survive or carry on, somehow here I am though making it. Each day that passes I wake up and it gets easier. I have my moments where something reminds me and I sink back down but they never last long. The feeling of knowing what it's like to love you has slowly left my body.                                                    

I wanted to believe this was all a sick joke, that the person I loved didn't lie to me and drag me down to the lowest points of my life. I wanted to believe my feelings weren't being used as the center of all your jokes. I wanted so badly to believe you had any good in you but what I wanted to believe and what was actual reality were two different things.        

Here I am though, been away from you for quite sometime and I'm living. You kept me awake at night for quite some time and ate me alive during my darkest moments. Losing you was like coping with a death only you're still alive. I can only imagine the power and joy you feel knowing you truly got into my soul and ripped it apart for your own pleasure.                                                               

But I don't have to go to sleep at night knowing I hurt people to get to where I want. I don't have to rip others apart and laugh knowing that I broke them into pieces. I don't have to remember in the back of my head that the devil himself walks closely with me. I don't have to deal with the lessons God is going to have to teach me one day because I hurt so many people. I don't have to deal with losing someone amazing because quite frankly you aren't and never will be. I don't have to one day look around and see all the damage I've done. I don't have to be haunted for the rest of my life from the horrible choices I've made.                        

But you do.                                                                  

I can't imagine living with such emptiness in my soul that hurting, using and controlling other people's souls for my own amusement is what gets me by. The damage you cause others will always leave a trail behind you and one day you will end up creating such a mess that it won't be fixable. One day you'll feel the pain you inflict on others, one day you won't be able to escape either.                                                                           

 I finally forgive you though, I'm finally setting myself free from this. These chains you held me with aren't there anymore.